Venus De Milo and My Tub

If you have one of those luxurious spa tubs in your bathroom I’m sorry but I dislike you.  It isn’t anything personal, it’s just that I’ve always wanted a lovely tub to soak in but I don’t have one and it’s so much easier to despise all of you who do have nice tubs than go to the trouble of trying to actually get one myself….okay fine!  I’m lazy and mad and sullen.  I wish I had a nice shiny soaking tub!

What I do have is one of those standard builders tubs that are about 5 feet long and a foot and a half high.  Of course when you try to fill my tub with water it only reaches up about a foot before it drains out.  Now add a body that is as fluffy as mine is and you really don’t have a whole lot of splashing about room in that standard tub!

Oh what I wouldn’t give for a nice soaking tub!

But let’s get back to my poor tub.  When we bought this house, my husband removed the original tub and replaced it.  The old one had seen quite a bit of use and it was marked with lime scale.  I was glad when he put in a new tub even though it was almost the same as the original in size.  Things were pretty good for a while…till I moved the Venus De Milo into the bathroom.

You don’t have a Venus in your bathroom?  Honestly that is really good thing, because she’s a weighty figure even though she’s obviously  missing one limb.  See, she was sitting in my bathroom and unexplicably one  day she dove into the tub.  She was sitting on the edge and the next thing I know there was a huge crash and that dumb Venus broke my tub.  She put a dent in it and removed the porcelain. She’s fine.  The only thing wrong sp with her is she has two pupils that I pencilled in to her eye sockets  which make her look kind of scary..that explains  why she was in the bathroom in the first place.  I wanted to wash the pencil away but it wouldn’t wash away.

My husband wasn’t unkind, but he wasn’t thrilled when I told him it was all Venus’ fault that our tub had a dent in it.  We didn’t actually talk much about what she was doing in the bathroom in the first place.  But he wouldn’t listen to my pleas for a nice tub.  He offered to update other fixtures but NOT THE TUB.

Fine.   I decided I wanted a new sink.  We had one of those tiny vanities made of particle board with an oak veneer.  It was too tacky for me so I asked my favorite handy man if he might install a lavatory fit for a queen?  He was willing but unfortunately when  he put the sink in the tub for a second before installing it on the wall  it fell and cracked another dent in my porcelain!

So I had one itty bitty tub that was now  sporting two cracks in the porcelain!

This past week he installed new flooring.   We have a lovely sink and a lovely toilet but ugly linoleum flooring. My builder agreed to install a new floor.   It’s beautiful.   Unfortunately In order to install  it he had to remove the toilet and the previously installed sink.  He picked up the basin and believe it or not  the pediment that it stood on fell forward.

Guess what it hit?

There are now three dents in my porcelain tub!

We are becoming sophisticated in purchasing bath tub epoxy polymers.  I can tell you which brand will match the finish of which standard tub.  And I’ve gained that expertise by seeing that almost  none of the epoxy on the market exactly matches my tub!  It’s incredible really.  How many whites are there for tub manufacturers to choose from????

Anyhow, the good news is my darling spouse finally found a shade and a texture that matches my standard sized porcelain lined tub.  It was a little scary when our whole house smelled like burnt dog hair because once  he mixed  the polymers it stunk up a storm!  But lo and behold, once applied it was  tough to spot the dents.

Still, I hate you if you have a shiny deep marbley soaking tub.  I know, Hate is a very strong word…:)

Okay, fine I don’t really hate you.  And honestly, I sort of like my poor desperate bashed up bathtub.  But I have to draw a line!  I will not find a warm place in my heart for Venus!  If she hadn’t dinged my tub in the first place I wouldn’t have wanted a new sink and if I didn’t get the new sink I wouldn’t have wanted a new floor.  If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have 3 dings in my tub!

Hmmm.  On second thought it seems like the Venus De Milo is actually helping me by nudging  my significant other into  improving  my bathroom!   Sheesh,  A couple more dings in the tub  and I might get a new whirlpoolly jetty thing.

Heh!  Venus and I are going to go bathe now!  Ignore the loud bangs!

Um, let’s hope my husband doesn’t read this blog.












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